Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 2 (Spring-Summer 2006))

Episode 1

English: Zyprexa

English: Zyprexa (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I spend the first days in the observation room, next to the infirmary office, with a window in the door. I get my meals served on a tablet with a glass of water and a pill of the pyschotropic drug “Zyprexa“, which prevents your thoughts from circling but has several adverse effects, too as I will learn later.

The speed of my mind and of my body are becoming slowly the same, I’m getting tired, feel like having to open iron gates instead of my eyelids in the mornig. I sleep lieing on my stomach and am almost not able to lift up my body from the mattress. Haven’t slept that deep and dreamless for a long time, feeling like I haven’t been sleeping for a long time. I spend my days on drawing therapy, in the hospital school, eating three meals, on the movie and song evenings. I go to bed at eight o’ clock in the evening, I can’t stay up any longer, am tired, exhausted, but at least my thoughts also are. Gives me a safe haven from the fear and the virus.

Creative Monkey Pencil Drawing is Super Cute

Creative Monkey Pencil Drawing is Super Cute (Photo credit:

“Schizophrenic psychosis”, says the doctor, a kind rather old man in slippers, my parents attended on the first examination. The doctor says that we could play table tennis as soon as I’m getting better. The drawing therapist likes my drawings, they are technically on the level of a very young children but I always explain my choice of colours, forms and compositions with experiences and feelings related to my regeneration process. She seems to like these words.

During the two months of my stay, I’m getting slowly prepared for normal life, kind of mind regeneration combined with a well-designed increase of choices. In the beginning, I am not even allowed to visit the garden, in the end I am even allowed to go to my former school and to stay home during the weekend. I like to talk to some of the other patients but especially the newer, sicker ones get on my nervs with their lose of control. I realize that they are hindering my regeneration. I want to finally get back to normal life. I will still have to take my drugs for a longer time and will have regular sessions with a conversation therapist to decrease the risk of getting sick in my mind once again. Caused by a lack of moving and the consumption of psychotropic drugs I gained weight from skeleton-like 60 kilo to almost chubby, slowly moving 90 kilo.

Episode 3


11 thoughts on “Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 2 (Spring-Summer 2006))

  1. Hallo Chris 🙂

    I can picture in this institution quite vividly and it makes me feel scared, yet sad for you. I had to draw a picture of a tree once, apparently the way you draw it means something. This came to mind when you talked about your drawings. I have never experiences psychosis myself, but the way in which you describe your experience allows me a small glimpse into what it might be like.

    You’re brave for sharing this.

    megan ❤

    • Hallo Megan,
      Glad you share your experiences here, too. And glad that you can imagine a bit what a psychosis is like after reading my post.
      I want to help people to speak about their problems because it’s the best way to work on a solution for them 🙂
      chris 🙂

  2. Pingback: Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 3 (Summer 2006-Summer 2007)) | On the light side of gamification

  3. This is very revealing, talking about a psychosis. Does this mean you are schizophrenic? Was it a drug induced psychosis? What is it about table tennis? It seems to be mentioned rather abstractly and out of context.

    I am going to print out your bits of story and see what I can do to help you create a better flow with suggestions of omissions and additions, but not changing the tone of your story.

    I eagerly await more installments.

    • Hey there,
      thank you very much for your comment. It means that I used to be schizophrenic. I thought I was “the virus” and that I was contaminating everybody and that all governments were chasing me to destroy me and safe humanity. Sometimes I wanted to get killed to save humanity and sometimes I wanted to survive. Finally, I locked myself into my head as you saw in the first episode. This means I was not able to move anything anymore besides my eyes. A doctor in France tried a reflex test with my feet and I think that my feet reacted a little bit but as soon as he let my leg go, the foot he held up before fell down like a stone and was immovable for me again. When my parents arrived, I started to write little letters with them but I really wrote crazy stuff as “the virus”.
      I am not schizophrenic anymore and I don’t take any drugs for more than five years now. I did not take any drugs before (e.g. smoking weed or something like that, never smoked weed, just a few cigarettes and sometimes a bit of alcohol but I can count the times I got really drunk in my life on my two hands and I never lost my memory or vomited). I believe it was a combination of an unrecognized mononucleosis (french doctor thought it was an angina), being “far away” from home and my former development and wrong use of energy (I used to save it up in my body, was a bit introverted).
      The table tennis is something the doctor knew I played it sometimes because my father told him and there were tables for table tennis in the psychic hospital and he wanted to give me a personal and relaxed feeling I think. And maybe calm my parents like saying “not that bad, we’ll make it, look I already talk to him like making an appointment for bbq”.
      I’m looking forward to your writing, let me know if you need more information or if I can proofread something. I hope I will be able to post the next episode tomorrow morning.
      Have a great day & thank you very much for being a person I would really miss on my blog (and somehow in my life even if we have not met yet),

    • Hey there,
      thank you very much for your recommendations. I am doing quite well now and I found a control and flow of energy from inside my body in singing. But for all those who are still struggling, they could really try it out. Have you posted about your recommendations? Would be great if you could share it here!

  4. Pingback: Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 1 (Spring 2006)) | On the light side of gamification

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