I spend the first days in the observation room, next to the infirmary office, with a window in the door. I get my meals served on a tablet with a glass of water and a pill of the pyschotropic drug “Zyprexa“, which prevents your thoughts from circling but has several adverse effects, too as I will learn later.
The speed of my mind and of my body are becoming slowly the same, I’m getting tired, feel like having to open iron gates instead of my eyelids in the mornig. I sleep lieing on my stomach and am almost not able to lift up my body from the mattress. Haven’t slept that deep and dreamless for a long time, feeling like I haven’t been sleeping for a long time. I spend my days on drawing therapy, in the hospital school, eating three meals, on the movie and song evenings. I go to bed at eight o’ clock in the evening, I can’t stay up any longer, am tired, exhausted, but at least my thoughts also are. Gives me a safe haven from the fear and the virus.
“Schizophrenic psychosis”, says the doctor, a kind rather old man in slippers, my parents attended on the first examination. The doctor says that we could play table tennis as soon as I’m getting better. The drawing therapist likes my drawings, they are technically on the level of a very young children but I always explain my choice of colours, forms and compositions with experiences and feelings related to my regeneration process. She seems to like these words.
During the two months of my stay, I’m getting slowly prepared for normal life, kind of mind regeneration combined with a well-designed increase of choices. In the beginning, I am not even allowed to visit the garden, in the end I am even allowed to go to my former school and to stay home during the weekend. I like to talk to some of the other patients but especially the newer, sicker ones get on my nervs with their lose of control. I realize that they are hindering my regeneration. I want to finally get back to normal life. I will still have to take my drugs for a longer time and will have regular sessions with a conversation therapist to decrease the risk of getting sick in my mind once again. Caused by a lack of moving and the consumption of psychotropic drugs I gained weight from skeleton-like 60 kilo to almost chubby, slowly moving 90 kilo.