Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 4 (Summer 2007))

Episode 1

Episode 3

40+290 Notch

40+290 Notch (Photo credit: bark)

I appreciate my personal perception as well as my progress on my long way to becoming a singer. More than a year after my stay in the psychatric hospital, I am finally allowed by the doctor to stop taking Zyprexa (my psychotronic drugs). My energy is coming back, my body is losing its lethargy and I lose almost 20 kilos of weight “in one night”. I find my way of being and school is becoming painful because of its fixed, meaningless and senseless frame of 45 minutes school lessons.


School. (Photo credit: zoovroo)

My singing teacher first talks to me about my change of behaviour. He tells me to watch my step, that I was behaving a bit like an ADS patient, I talked precociously and should not get carried away. In the school lessons I sit impatiently on my chair, always feeling like having to pee. While my class mates are snoozing their way to get the German highschool diploma, I wait to be finally allowed to talk.

I feel monitored and dominated by my mother (I now know that she only feared that I would get sick again and thought she could help me tidying up my room, etc. but at that moment, it felt like monitoring and domination). I move out to move in at a friend’s. His mother recognizes that I endanger the fragile balance in their familiy by my anxiety. She talks to my father and we meet up together. They ask me how I imagine to solve this situation. I tell them that I want to leave school, that school does not make any sense, that I want to spend my time in a more meaningful way, that I feel like the German highschool diploma is not that important as everybody says.


September-at-Homeschool. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The principal of my school (a very nice woman I have to admit and thank to!) tells me that I can stay home for some time and think about what I really want to do. I begin searching for jobs on the internet but I don’t find any formation that I would like to do. I realize that for being able to study, one needs this piece of sh*t of the German highschool diploma.

I find a teasing advertisement: “Learning materials and organization for your way to the German highschool diploma doing homeschool, check it out now for four weeks for free!”. The learning material looks well, I can read through the textbooks quite fast and I can solve the corresponding home work to hand-in being quite successful. I am able to go to my mini job at the Fraunhofer after homeschooling my daily dose.  Finally, I have the time to enjoy my universal creativity (which is not universal judged by today if I looked on my visual “art”, got talents for writing, communication, planning, organizing, singing and maybe some more but drawing and stuff like that does not belong to my talents).

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At the end of the day (not literally), there will be the final highschool examinations in Hamburg, but they are quite far away in time, even if I want to get my highschool diploma in 18 months instead of 30 months so that I can catch up on my class mates and get my diploma at about the same time like they do.

Episode 5


8 thoughts on “Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 4 (Summer 2007))

  1. Pingback: Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 5 (Summer 2007-Summer 2010)) | On the light side of gamification

  2. Pingback: Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 3 (Summer 2006-Summer 2007)) | On the light side of gamification

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