Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 6 (Summer 2010 – Summer 2014))

Episode 5

herbstAfter spending a very young summer (after all she is 4 years younger than me) with a lot of self-made music, little love adventures and a lot of relaxing in the Castle garden of Karlsruhe, my cooperative studies begin. I enjoy working and discovering the freedom I’ve got in my company. There is a monthly meeting which everybody can join and I am told that after every project presentation everybody can ask every question. So once attending to this meeting for the first time (after working a few days in this company), I ask 4 questions after 4 presentations (100% score, yay!) and get my first standing at the company. Some might be embarassed for the rest of their lifetime now but that’s not my way.

After Christmas, I change to my studying phase and work hard because I have a certain fear of not making it. I make it, even too good so that I decide to relax during the second year of studies. But one step after another…

Do you understand that I want to get back to this physical state? :)

Could I become a jacket model? 🙂

By the beginning of 2011, I have helped my girlfriend to become a lot better at school and lifted her up so that she does not hurt herself anymore or only at very rare occassions. I feel happy and we enjoy our time together travelling, making music and discovering/rediscovering the teenage way towards becoming an adult. It hits me like thunder once I learn that my girlfriend is suffering from some kind of bulimic anorexia. She has talked to my brother who decides that he can’t take the responsibility to keep that secret and talks to me. Three days later, she talks to me and tells me what happened to her.

Now I can handle it, another potential developing project, we can make it baby, here we go! I take her to a doctor, we talk to her mother, we try a lot of things and sometimes she feels better and sometimes she feels worse. Work is becoming a little less important even if I am struggling with the teams during my second year’s working phases. I guess I can thank to the music and my inner knowledge of my potential and unconscious feeling of my energy that I don’t start getting another psychic illness…

It’s by that time, in the end of 2011/beginning of 2012 that I begin to develop a little emotional distance from my girlfriend. I guess it’s a little self-protection wall against her sometimes very hard verbal aggressions. After all, she is sick and not herself or in control of herself all of the time anymore so I don’t blame her for that but take the necessary steps to protect myself. Though this beginning of losing my love for her, I still believe we can make it and move into a flat with her in autumn 2012. I accept a 90 minutes door-to-door one-way way to work everyday to be able to live with her despite the fact we work in different cities. In the beginning, it’s worth the pain. She gets a lot better once having left her parents (where she lacked the attention she needed or wanted to get). At least for sometime…

Through the green gate

Through the green gate

After about three months, I realize a change in her behaviour, now highly sensitive for this kind of behaviour. She is starting to overreact, to refuse being touched, to worry about eating, trying hard to destroy her life once again. I support her trying lots of things even though she has made my daily way-to-work-pain a ridiculous sacrifice by quitting her job and staying at home looking for another job closer to the city I work in. But my emotional self-protection wall begins to grow, I kind of put my heart into the freezer and we live together in the most independent way possible in a 3-room flat.

Ah yeah, I almost forgot, my final study year has already begun and I am working hard to prove my company I am the one to hire after my studies. I am writing a good project paper after a well-appreciated project in my company and discover my interest for education writing two research papers at the cooperative state university.
After some time of hard work and uncertainty, I finally get my working contract and can fully concentrate on writing a great bachelor thesis. Looking at my final grade, I haven’t done that bad…

2013-09-25 14.31.00In Autumn 2013, I leave for Kazan, Russia, to present a paper developed out of my research papers about education. I discover in this foreign country how easy communication with a girl can be even if you only share about 5 words in one language (she only speaks Russian and very very few words of english but luckily she is that smart she brings her tablet with google translator with her the second day). Nothing more happens but once back in Germany, I decide to accept my emotional wall and leave my girlfriend – may she do whatever she wants to her life as cruel as it may sound. I break up (I am so bad at it) and she falls in love again with another guy after a week or something.

I move to my parents’ again and enjoy life at Hotel Mummy again. Not for a long time, I lose my platin card guest status quite quickly and begin to mow the lane, clean the road and do some housework again quite soon. But I am not alone if I need someone to talk and I am independent enough in my room if I need some time for my own.
I begin working at the company where I studied after my longer holidays and enjoy it quite much. Towards christmas I am concentrating on a little love story with a chinese girl living in Cologne (in short it was like a rocket – took me almost to the stars in a sudden but somehow I dropped back to earth in a sudden like a waste part of a multistage rocket). This story already finishes shortly after the beginning of 2014 and I concentrate on work again.

2013-10-11 10.45.46I realize that now I am done, I’ve reached my last goals – getting my bachelor degree and getting hired. What am I supposed to do now? Should I keep working until my retirement? What do I do during my spare time? Why does work feel so bad and unfitting sometimes? Am I doing the right thing?

30 days of proacitivity diary - read me in the morning - tell me in the evening

30 days of proacitivity diary – read me in the morning – tell me in the evening

Let’s say I begin to think about my life again after three years filled with studies and girlfriend struggle. I discover the great book “The seven habits of highly effective people” by Stephen Covey and begin taking control of my life again. I do better at work, enjoy my life more and more and feel quite good. I am spending very great summer holidays, one week of hiking with my parents (Austria) and two weeks of language-learning/practising and partying/excessive dancing (Salamanca, Spain). I discover how much I like to get to know to new people once again and organise some parties and connect people to each other. Back in Germany, some may have a hard time getting used to my new self-confidence but yeah, we are working on that.

So lots of things are happening/I make lots of things happen and I want to leave you here for getting my shower to get ready for another exciting day.

Thanks for reading and feel free to ask for more detail whereever I have gone to fast.



Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 5 (Summer 2007-Summer 2010))

Episode 1

Episode 4

Sing the Blues

Sing the Blues (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

My singing teacher is the only person among my friends that is only surprised about my choice of leaving school for homeschool. He can even find some positive aspects of my choice. My (ex-)girlfriend and especially my mother (who is a German highschool teacher) are shocked. To convince my parents, I want to pay the homeschooling fee with the money I earn working at the Fraunhofer. I teach myself java programming there and work on a project to simulate security scenarios.

My parents accept my decision under the condition that I check it out for the free four weeks and then think about it again. My father gets ill with a psychosis a bit later and claims to be stronger than I am.  But he loses his “war of nerves” against my mind and leaves the battlefield to recover in a psychatric hospital.

Rock Band

Rock Band (Photo credit: spakulsk)

After this time of trouble, there is a kind of peaceful co-existence in the family, I have made peace with my mother and try to support her while my father is in the psychatric hospital. I find my first band projects and succeed to control and balance my energy flow and body ressources.

In sum, I feel a lot more grown-up and in good condition (body and mind). I hit the hard floor of reality when I get three out of fifteen points at the Maths pre-exam. I only can thank to my good French pre-exam achievements that I pass the pre-exam and am allowed to attend to the final exams for my diploma. I work very hard for the next two monts, I study old Maths exams, in sum about 120 hours of studying. I get twelve out of fifteen points in the final Maths exam which is helpful for my wish of studying Computer Science.

Before the final oral exams, I worry about Physics because I’ve never done my homework in a good quality. I take lessons at a nice and competent student and get twelve out of fifteen points in the final oral exam and a remark “Have you ever worked in a job related to Physics?” which I take as a compliment.

Mathematics homework

Mathematics homework (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A few days later, I’m the proud owner of a German highschool diploma (Abitur) with a GPA of C+ (2,7). I feel well prepared for my studies to become a Computer Scientist. I have chosen to study and work fifty-fity for three years (cooperative study program at the DH, Karlsruhe) and found a very cool drugstore chain with a great working and employee philosophy for the working phases.

I find my love seaching for a musician by a girl who plays the guitar. We spend an exciting first year of our love, our music and my studies. My singing skills improve and I feel like getting more and more the best of myself feeling a harmony with my inner vibes. By recovering from my psychosis, I seem to have become a sort of an expert in the field of psychic illnesses and try to support my friends and their friends to find the reasons and solutions for their problems.

Episode 6

Now I have this blog and you can contact me in the comment section or just ask me for my email adress there and I will send you an email so that we can talk about everything you want to.

I wish you only the best, may peace surround you and happiness rule your mind.

Yours sincerely,


Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 4 (Summer 2007))

Episode 1

Episode 3

40+290 Notch

40+290 Notch (Photo credit: bark)

I appreciate my personal perception as well as my progress on my long way to becoming a singer. More than a year after my stay in the psychatric hospital, I am finally allowed by the doctor to stop taking Zyprexa (my psychotronic drugs). My energy is coming back, my body is losing its lethargy and I lose almost 20 kilos of weight “in one night”. I find my way of being and school is becoming painful because of its fixed, meaningless and senseless frame of 45 minutes school lessons.


School. (Photo credit: zoovroo)

My singing teacher first talks to me about my change of behaviour. He tells me to watch my step, that I was behaving a bit like an ADS patient, I talked precociously and should not get carried away. In the school lessons I sit impatiently on my chair, always feeling like having to pee. While my class mates are snoozing their way to get the German highschool diploma, I wait to be finally allowed to talk.

I feel monitored and dominated by my mother (I now know that she only feared that I would get sick again and thought she could help me tidying up my room, etc. but at that moment, it felt like monitoring and domination). I move out to move in at a friend’s. His mother recognizes that I endanger the fragile balance in their familiy by my anxiety. She talks to my father and we meet up together. They ask me how I imagine to solve this situation. I tell them that I want to leave school, that school does not make any sense, that I want to spend my time in a more meaningful way, that I feel like the German highschool diploma is not that important as everybody says.


September-at-Homeschool. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The principal of my school (a very nice woman I have to admit and thank to!) tells me that I can stay home for some time and think about what I really want to do. I begin searching for jobs on the internet but I don’t find any formation that I would like to do. I realize that for being able to study, one needs this piece of sh*t of the German highschool diploma.

I find a teasing advertisement: “Learning materials and organization for your way to the German highschool diploma doing homeschool, check it out now for four weeks for free!”. The learning material looks well, I can read through the textbooks quite fast and I can solve the corresponding home work to hand-in being quite successful. I am able to go to my mini job at the Fraunhofer after homeschooling my daily dose.  Finally, I have the time to enjoy my universal creativity (which is not universal judged by today if I looked on my visual “art”, got talents for writing, communication, planning, organizing, singing and maybe some more but drawing and stuff like that does not belong to my talents).

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At the end of the day (not literally), there will be the final highschool examinations in Hamburg, but they are quite far away in time, even if I want to get my highschool diploma in 18 months instead of 30 months so that I can catch up on my class mates and get my diploma at about the same time like they do.

Episode 5