Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 6 (Summer 2010 – Summer 2014))

Episode 5

herbstAfter spending a very young summer (after all she is 4 years younger than me) with a lot of self-made music, little love adventures and a lot of relaxing in the Castle garden of Karlsruhe, my cooperative studies begin. I enjoy working and discovering the freedom I’ve got in my company. There is a monthly meeting which everybody can join and I am told that after every project presentation everybody can ask every question. So once attending to this meeting for the first time (after working a few days in this company), I ask 4 questions after 4 presentations (100% score, yay!) and get my first standing at the company. Some might be embarassed for the rest of their lifetime now but that’s not my way.

After Christmas, I change to my studying phase and work hard because I have a certain fear of not making it. I make it, even too good so that I decide to relax during the second year of studies. But one step after another…

Do you understand that I want to get back to this physical state? :)

Could I become a jacket model? 🙂

By the beginning of 2011, I have helped my girlfriend to become a lot better at school and lifted her up so that she does not hurt herself anymore or only at very rare occassions. I feel happy and we enjoy our time together travelling, making music and discovering/rediscovering the teenage way towards becoming an adult. It hits me like thunder once I learn that my girlfriend is suffering from some kind of bulimic anorexia. She has talked to my brother who decides that he can’t take the responsibility to keep that secret and talks to me. Three days later, she talks to me and tells me what happened to her.

Now I can handle it, another potential developing project, we can make it baby, here we go! I take her to a doctor, we talk to her mother, we try a lot of things and sometimes she feels better and sometimes she feels worse. Work is becoming a little less important even if I am struggling with the teams during my second year’s working phases. I guess I can thank to the music and my inner knowledge of my potential and unconscious feeling of my energy that I don’t start getting another psychic illness…

It’s by that time, in the end of 2011/beginning of 2012 that I begin to develop a little emotional distance from my girlfriend. I guess it’s a little self-protection wall against her sometimes very hard verbal aggressions. After all, she is sick and not herself or in control of herself all of the time anymore so I don’t blame her for that but take the necessary steps to protect myself. Though this beginning of losing my love for her, I still believe we can make it and move into a flat with her in autumn 2012. I accept a 90 minutes door-to-door one-way way to work everyday to be able to live with her despite the fact we work in different cities. In the beginning, it’s worth the pain. She gets a lot better once having left her parents (where she lacked the attention she needed or wanted to get). At least for sometime…

Through the green gate

Through the green gate

After about three months, I realize a change in her behaviour, now highly sensitive for this kind of behaviour. She is starting to overreact, to refuse being touched, to worry about eating, trying hard to destroy her life once again. I support her trying lots of things even though she has made my daily way-to-work-pain a ridiculous sacrifice by quitting her job and staying at home looking for another job closer to the city I work in. But my emotional self-protection wall begins to grow, I kind of put my heart into the freezer and we live together in the most independent way possible in a 3-room flat.

Ah yeah, I almost forgot, my final study year has already begun and I am working hard to prove my company I am the one to hire after my studies. I am writing a good project paper after a well-appreciated project in my company and discover my interest for education writing two research papers at the cooperative state university.
After some time of hard work and uncertainty, I finally get my working contract and can fully concentrate on writing a great bachelor thesis. Looking at my final grade, I haven’t done that bad…

2013-09-25 14.31.00In Autumn 2013, I leave for Kazan, Russia, to present a paper developed out of my research papers about education. I discover in this foreign country how easy communication with a girl can be even if you only share about 5 words in one language (she only speaks Russian and very very few words of english but luckily she is that smart she brings her tablet with google translator with her the second day). Nothing more happens but once back in Germany, I decide to accept my emotional wall and leave my girlfriend – may she do whatever she wants to her life as cruel as it may sound. I break up (I am so bad at it) and she falls in love again with another guy after a week or something.

I move to my parents’ again and enjoy life at Hotel Mummy again. Not for a long time, I lose my platin card guest status quite quickly and begin to mow the lane, clean the road and do some housework again quite soon. But I am not alone if I need someone to talk and I am independent enough in my room if I need some time for my own.
I begin working at the company where I studied after my longer holidays and enjoy it quite much. Towards christmas I am concentrating on a little love story with a chinese girl living in Cologne (in short it was like a rocket – took me almost to the stars in a sudden but somehow I dropped back to earth in a sudden like a waste part of a multistage rocket). This story already finishes shortly after the beginning of 2014 and I concentrate on work again.

2013-10-11 10.45.46I realize that now I am done, I’ve reached my last goals – getting my bachelor degree and getting hired. What am I supposed to do now? Should I keep working until my retirement? What do I do during my spare time? Why does work feel so bad and unfitting sometimes? Am I doing the right thing?

30 days of proacitivity diary - read me in the morning - tell me in the evening

30 days of proacitivity diary – read me in the morning – tell me in the evening

Let’s say I begin to think about my life again after three years filled with studies and girlfriend struggle. I discover the great book “The seven habits of highly effective people” by Stephen Covey and begin taking control of my life again. I do better at work, enjoy my life more and more and feel quite good. I am spending very great summer holidays, one week of hiking with my parents (Austria) and two weeks of language-learning/practising and partying/excessive dancing (Salamanca, Spain). I discover how much I like to get to know to new people once again and organise some parties and connect people to each other. Back in Germany, some may have a hard time getting used to my new self-confidence but yeah, we are working on that.

So lots of things are happening/I make lots of things happen and I want to leave you here for getting my shower to get ready for another exciting day.

Thanks for reading and feel free to ask for more detail whereever I have gone to fast.

Cheers,
Chris

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The Tree Of Life – Remember Happiness Today – From Roots To Crown – Day 01

Howdy folks,

You can read more about my concept of the Tree Of Life here.

A sketch to illustrate the Tree Of Life

A sketch to illustrate the Tree Of Life

Some of my thoughts on this sketch of the Tree Of Life:

  • The roots are the reasons or motivators for doing something. With growing roots, you get a better hold on earth and know what you are living for, so every defeat will be less likely to really defeat you.
  • The layers of the stock are your preferences so you will get a larger radius of interest the more layers of stock grow. You will know more precisely what you like about life.
  • The crown and especially the leaves represent the different kinds of impact your preferences (which lead to a certain kind of behaviour) have on your environment. With every leave growing you know about one more thing you are here on earth. With the feedback you get by other people (the sun), your impact (leaves) can produce energy to make you grow and improve.
The Challenge 4

The Challenge 4 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today my (logical) chain goes like this:

  • Root: Challenge
  • Stock: Philosophizing, Analyzing & Solving Problems, Research
  • Impact: Making a change for a better tomorrow, Discussion & Inspiration, Another problem getting solved, improve living & working quality, creating an understanding & make people think

What is your root of the day and which layers of your stock are built on it? Which leaves are connected to them?

And as if this would not be enough questions, here comes the Remember Happiness Today question for Material Monday:

Sushi in Kasan - will tell you why before Christmas for sure

Eating Sushi in Kasan – will tell you why before Christmas for sure

What is your favorite meal and when did you eat it for the last time? Why is it your favorite meal? And which impact does it or do you have eating it on the world and your environment?

Looking forward to reading your comments!

May peace surround you and be happiness your friend,

Chris

P.S.: You can find all Tree Of Life posts here.

The Tree Of Life – Improving Remember Happiness Today And The Bunch Of Life

Howdy folks,

today, I want to present to you my concept of the “Tree Of Life”. In case you don’t know my series Remember Happiness Today and the Bunch Of Life I recommend you to check them out briefly to know what I am talking about. However, I will try to give you a short introduction:

  • Remember Happiness Today is a daily series to remember you of happy times six times a week and of a sad time one time a week by asking you questions about your preferences and when you did something you preferred for the last time.
  • Bunch Of Life is a daily series to provide you with the opportunity to think about what is important in your life and be able to spend more time in your preferred way.

Talking to my friend Anasera from Wildersoul, I discovered that there is much more to think about because every preference has some reasons and some impacts. So my plan was to change the Bunch Of Life into a Tree Of Life with the roots as reasons, the stock as preferences and the crown as the impact on other people who are represented by the sun. Have a look at it now please:

A sketch to illustrate the Tree Of Life

A sketch to illustrate the Tree Of Life

Let’s add some of my thoughts on this sketch of the Tree Of Life:

  • The roots are the reasons or motivators for doing something. With growing roots, you get a better hold on earth and know what you are living for, so every defeat will be less likely to really defeat you.
  • The layers of the stock are your preferences so you will get a larger radius of interest the more layers of stock grow. You will know more precisely what you like about life.
  • The crown and especially the leaves represent the different kinds of impact your preferences (which lead to a certain kind of behaviour) have on your environment. With every leave growing you know about one more thing you are here on earth. With the feedback you get by other people (the sun), your impact (leaves) can produce energy to make you grow and improve.

What are your thoughts about this concept? Do I make sense? Looking forward to your feedback, comments and likes.

May peace surround you and be happiness your friend,

Chris

P.S.: Starting tomorrow, I will post one (logical) chain of reason, preference and impact of my Tree Of Life and ask you a question in the style of Remember Happiness Today but combined with the question of reason and impact, so asking you for a (logical) chain of your Tree Of Life. Looking forward to getting to know your (logical) chains of your Tree Of Life!

Anybody out there?

Howdy folks,

Guys in nowhere

Guys in nowhere – Once I thought being a visual artist 🙂

Lately blog views have been decreasing,

I’m wondering is it that I am not pleasing

you anymore?

or

is it you lack of time?

do I lack of content, is the fault mine?

hope more busy times will come soon

enjoying my holidays anyway, drop me a line as soon as you’re back from your flight to the moon.

Chris