In Pursuit of the Light

Today, I want to continue my very personal story (last post was in October 2014) and as “Circle of fear” feels rather like where I have come from than where I am going to, I want to rename my very personal story from now on to “In Pursuit of the Light”. To illustrate what I mean with these words, I want to show you my…

Vision of life

The goal(s?) in my life

The power of love

Yes: I am a dreamer

And yes, sometimes it feels like a punishment but it feels so great when you meet someone who sees the dawn with you before the rest of the world and maybe can even help you make the world see it a little earlier.

Why sustainability?

But now back to my very personal story…

In Pursuit of the Light

Let’s say I begin to think about my life again after three years filled with studies and girlfriend struggle. I discover the great book “The seven habits of highly effective people” by Stephen Covey and begin taking control of my life again. I do better at work, enjoy my life more and more and feel quite good. I am spending very great summer holidays, one week of hiking with my parents (Austria) and two weeks of language-learning/practising and partying/excessive dancing (Salamanca, Spain). I discover how much I like to get to know to new people once again and organise some parties and connect people to each other. Back in Germany, some may have a hard time getting used to my new self-confidence but yeah, we are working on that. So lots of things are happening/I make lots of things happen and I want to leave you here for getting my shower to get ready for another exciting day.

This is how I left you last time I was writing down my very personal story. So what happened since then?

After the extreme energy and dancing in Summer 2014, I get known to a lovely girl from Fall to Spring and reaching Summer 2015, I wake up from my “Wintersleep” realizing I was not living to my full potential in this relationship and we break up. In Spring 2015, I begin working as an IT consultant quitting the company I worked at during and after my studies. As I am working most of the time from my home office (and only sometimes having workshops with customers what I would prefer much more), I look for excitement and social interaction outside of my work. I go a lot to the dancing parties of my dancing school, most of the time with the dancing partner I am dancing with for more than a year now. We spend our summer holidays at the Lake Constance together and enjoy the time very much. I am reaching my highest energy at the end of September 2015 when taking part in the Project Management Karlsruhe where I can talk and think a lot with great people and inspiring sessions.

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I go to another dancing party just after the PM Camp is over and my life changes in a sudden. I am dancing with a woman I am knowing quite well for the little walk we had with some other persons from my dancing school in the summer. She tells me that my eyes would look empty and I begin to listen to my body. She tells me a few words while we are dancing and all of a sudden, my artificially pushed energy level gets down to a kind of natural tiredness after exhaustion and at the end of the dance, we hug each other. Laying in each other’s arms, we change the room and sit down for a close talk. In the following days, we see each other a lot and have continued to do so ever since. My words from “In our forest” are inspired by our first days. We seem to be very different but having the same goals in life which means we can support each other quite well, living a love I have not known before. When I see my grandma for the next time, I tell her that I have a new girlfriend and before she can reply anything, I tell her “I believe this time, she’s the one”. I am sure we will enjoy our pursuit of the light together.

But well, there is not only light in the world. In Spring 2015, I discover that I have started my master studies (distant learning) without thinking too much and decide to quit the pain and live without master degree – quite well so far I think.

In Fall 2015, I end the friendship with my dancing partner I spent my summer holidays with because I feel like I have to be an older, less energized version of myself when being with her. It gets complicated and sometimes ugly but feels great once I have cut all ways back – after all it is often leaving a door back open which ties us to our past and prevents us from reaching our full potential, I think. Of course, this does not mean that we do not need to make peace with our past – I accept that I have lost a friend but am grateful for the great time we had.

With the shaping of my vision of life I told you about above, I feel wrong with my job at the IT consulting company. I feel like I have to do too much things, I don’t love or the world don’t need that much and at the same time, I have learned during a Massive Open Online Course about Social Business which great things companies can do. I love my customers and enjoy working with them a lot but my bosses boss me around too much and sometimes show that they dream less than I do. I know that I am a hard-to-employ employee because I do not accept leadership executed by organizational position (“You have to do so because I am the boss”) and ask for real profit from my work for our customers and less focus on the profit of the company. But anyway, I close the door to my past once more and quit the job (currently I have my last working days till January 2016). It feels great, this smell of adventure!

Well, I am not unemployed despite this, I have started working for the Cooperate State University Karlsruhe as a project staff member in the area of eLearning (well known from my studies) – a job which feels a lot more like the purpose star in the first image.

DSC_5928_smallAnd there is a lot more to come, whatever it may be. I am on my way in pursuit of the light.

Enjoy the last days of this year – spend the Christmas days peacefully and wisely with your loved ones and if we do not talk to each other before 2016 – have a great start into the new year everybody!

 

Get On Your Boots Now – Pictures Of Karlsruhe Pt. II

Howdy folks,

today I took a rather long walk through the city of Karlsruhe, starting near to the Karlsruhe Palace and walking until reaching the Main Station via the Europa Place. Hope you like the pictures, comments and likes are very welcome.

Recommend you to listen to the song below while watching 🙂

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For Those Who Want To Read My Paper – Redesign of a Gamified Software Engineering Course

Accumulative grading in my redesigned course

Accumulative grading in my redesigned course

Howdy folks,

if you want to read my paper with which I won the Young Scientist Award 2013, feel free to do so here.

Comments and like are very appreciated.

May peace surround you and be happiness your friend.

Yours sincerely,

Chris

Places Of My Life – Karlsruhe Pt. I

Howdy folks,

today I want to share with you some images of my hometown Karlsruhe. And especially with my girl from Vladivostock, Sveta. I am so glad we have met in Kasan and am already looking forward to the next time we will meet!

Please don’t mind the quality of the pictures, took them this morning, most from inside of the tram. Will do another series with better quality as soon as I have got more time. Hope you will enjoy them though…

Here I got into the train this morning after I left my buddy's place. Thanks for welcoming me, Tom!

Here I got into the train this morning after I left my buddy’s place. Thanks for welcoming me, Tom!

Karlsruhe is quite a green city...

Karlsruhe is quite a green city…

Karlsruhe is currently under construction (there is an underground tram being constructed)

Karlsruhe is currently under construction (there is an underground tram being constructed)

This is the Karlsruhe marketplace. Building workers around here, too.

This is the Karlsruhe marketplace. Building workers around here, too.

Do you see that little café? Here I would like to drink some coffee with you, Sveta...

Do you see that little café? Here I would like to drink some coffee with you, Sveta…

Going down this small road, you get to the Karlsruhe palace. And you pass a Mexican restaurant where I meet my friends regularly...

Going down this small road, you get to the Karlsruhe palace. And you pass a Mexican restaurant where I meet my friends regularly…

Right through these gates, I lived the first four years of my life

Right through these gates, I lived the first four years of my life

In this church, my little brother was baptized.

In this church, my little brother was baptized.

This is where I waited for the tram to take me to the Cooperative State University. They moved the stop though...

This is where I waited for the tram to take me to the Cooperative State University. They moved the stop though…

This road the tram had to go down to get me to Cooperative State University where I spend a good bunch of time within the last three years.

This road the tram had to go down to get me to Cooperative State University where I spend a good bunch of time within the last three years.

Near to this church, I've had my psychotherapist - Have you read my very personal story "The singer and the virus"?

Near to this church, I’ve had my psychotherapist – Have you read my very personal story “The singer and the virus”?

This is a building in the typical style of old-school Karlsruhe, a school by the way...

This is a building in the typical style of old-school Karlsruhe, a school by the way…

This is the headquarter of the company I am working for...

This is the headquarter of the company I am working for…

In this yellow building, right under the roof, I work. Beautiful sight, have to take pictures soon...

In this yellow building, right under the roof, I work. Beautiful sight, have to take pictures soon…

I hope you enjoyed this little trip through my city with me on my way to work. Comments and Likes are appreciated very much!

May peace surround you and be happiness your friend.

Yours sincerely,

Chris

Back From Paris

Howdy folks,

This image was selected as a picture of the we...

This image was selected as a picture of the week on the Malay Wikipedia for the 6th week, 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m back from my short trip to my Paris-based friend Noemie. Arrived at her place Monday evening and left Thursday morning for those of you who care about the details. Those days, I visited the Louvre (Sully), went to the Eiffel Tower, Arc de Triomphe, Champs Elysée, Sacré-Coeur (make sure to turn around and enjoy the amazing sight over the city) and walked quite a lot through the city. Had nice evenings with lots of talk and laughter with her and her friends. So much for the “touristic” part of this post, now I want to share two songs with you, I will provide you with the english translation below as they are a kind of English-Spanish-French-Mix.

First one I wrote waiting at Paris Est for her friend who took me to her place:

A+ amigo (Original)

The Arc de Triomphe (Arch of Triumph), at the ...

The Arc de Triomphe (Arch of Triumph), at the center of the place Charles de Gaulle, Paris. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

J’at|tends j’attends j’at|tends
Au | moins je sais pour|quoi
j’attends J’at|tends j’attends J’es|père que tu n’es plus
| loin On fait la | queue mais je sais que
ç’ ira | mieux aussitôt que tu |soit
arri|vée |

On est gen|til mais tout ça coûte | cher
Je demande la sor|tie et donne la monnaie d’hier a quelqu’|un qui sait pas où il va dormir
cette | nuit | | |

Nunca | sabes donde | andas
Nunca | sabes que ja|mais
That you’ll |never beg for | money
That you’ll | never lose your | home
Can we | help them? Can we | feed them?
Doesn’t | matter if we | all | try | | |

Donc i’m | waiting i’m still | waiting
but I | hope you’ll be here | soon
Watching the | people all the | people
dis | moi dis moi dis moi t’es | où?

Nunca | sabes donde | andas
Nunca | sabes que ja|mais
That you’ll |never beg for | money
That you’ll | never lose your | home
Can we | help them? Can we | feed them?
Doesn’t | matter if we | all | try | | |

You | text me to tell me you’re | here in a while
I | hope you will find me ça | fait long time that
we | met but you’re still on my | mind | |

Nunca | sabes donde | andas
Nunca | sabes que ja|mais
That you’ll |never beg for | money
That you’ll | never lose your | home
Can we | help them? Can we | feed them?
Doesn’t | matter if we | all | try | | |
Always | know that I will | be there
| anywhere you | go
Always | know that I will | watch you
| every step you | take
I’ll take | care of I’ll take | care of
a|+ ami| -i-|go

Sacre Coeur

Sacre Coeur (Photo credit: jotpeh)

A+ amigo (Quickly translated English version)

I wait I wait I wait
At least I know why I do
I wait I wait I wait I hope that you’re not that
far away anymore, I queue up at the ticket office but I know that
it will be better as soon as you will be arrived

People are kind but this all costs quite much
I ask for the exit and give yesterday’s change to somebody who doesn’t know where he will sleep
this night

You never know where you go
You never know that never
That you’ll never beg for money
That you’ll  never lose your home
Can we help them? Can we feed them?
Doesn’t matter if we all try

So i’m waiting i’m still waiting
but I hope you’ll be here soon
Watching the people all the people
Tell me tell me tell me where are you?

You never know where you go
You never know that never
That you’ll never beg for money
That you’ll  never lose your home
Can we help them? Can we feed them?
Doesn’t matter if we all try

You text me to tell me you’re here in a while
I hope you will find me it’s been a long time since
we met but you’re still on my mind

You never know where you go
You never know that never
That you’ll never beg for money
That you’ll  never lose your home
Can we help them? Can we feed them?
Doesn’t matter if we all try
Always know that I will be there
anywhere you go
Always know that I will watch you
every step you take
I’ll take care of I’ll take care of
See you later, my friend

And the second one I wrote on the TGV (train) home to Karlsruhe:

English: Courtyard of the Louvre Museum, with ...

English: Courtyard of the Louvre Museum, with the Pyramid Français : La Cour Napoléon du Palais du Louvre, avec la Pyramide (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Pretty woman (I’m coming home) (Original)

i’m coming | home i’m coming | home leaving | France leaving | friends
i’m coming | home i’m coming | home hope we’ll | soon meet a- | gain

T’as du travail|ler mais c’est comme ça c’est la | vie
on a fait tour eif|fel même si tu connais pas trop pa|ris
Tu vois on a passé un temp | trop de ouf j’ai même visit|é un peu du Louvr’-
| et à la pro|chaine

i’m coming | home i’m coming | home leaving | France leaving | friends
i’m coming | home i’m coming | home hope we’ll | soon meet a- | gain

On mangeait des bon | crêpes on faisait bien la | fête
t’es partie travail|ler et après tu te cassais la | tête
mais en fait tu | sais que tu es parfaite pretty | woman
on chantait ce ma|tin et puis on est parti pour le | train

i’m coming | home i’m coming | home leaving | France leaving | friends
i’m coming | home i’m coming | home hope we’ll | soon meet a- | gain
Pretty | woman c’est à toi de me rendre vi|site
Pretty |woman viens chez moi très |vite
Pretty | woman merci pour être comme | ça
thank you for being | just the way you | are

Champs Elysées

Champs Elysées (Photo credit: x4rop)

Pretty woman (I’m coming home) (Quickly translated English version)

i’m coming home i’m coming home leaving France leaving friends
i’m coming home i’m coming home hope we’ll soon meet again

You’ve had to go working but that’s the way, that’s life
We’ve visited the Eiffel Tower even if you didn’t know Paris that much
You see we have spent a very great time, I’ve even visited a bit the Louvre
And see you soon

i’m coming home i’m coming home leaving France leaving friends
i’m coming home i’m coming home hope we’ll soon meet again

We ate good crêpes, we partied well
You left for work and afterwards you almost got a headache thinking about something
But after all you know you’re perfect, pretty woman
we sang this morning and then we left for the train

i’m coming home i’m coming home leaving France leaving friends
i’m coming home i’m coming home hope we’ll soon meet again
Pretty woman, it’s up to you to visit me
Pretty woman, hope you’ll visit me soon
Pretty woman, thank you for being like this
thank you for being just the way you are

… hope you liked it, thank you very much for reading, feedback and likes appreciated!

The Singer And The Virus – A Very Personal Story About My Psychic Illness and My Recovering

Howdy folks,

today I want to share with you my very personal story that my friend Linda has rewritten for me. She asked me a lot of questions to provide you, my dear reader, with more details. Thank you very much, Linda and enjoy reading, everyone.

Duck Liver Pâté and baguette

Duck Liver Pâté and baguette (Photo credit: Geoff Peters 604)

I was in France, attending school in a six month school exchange program.  I had left my parents, my brother and my friends back in Germany.  I knew only one person for more than a few days, my exchange partner who came with me to France from Germany.

In the beginning, everything is fine. At least I thought so, until I woke up in a hospital, an IV in my arm, and a catheter between my legs.  Paralyzed.  My thoughts are moving fast, but I can only move my eyes.  My mind began to move even faster; dashing, circulating at hyper-speed around one thought: I am The Virus.

It’s quiet, though sometimes I hear voices, I don’t know where they come from, are they out in the hall, or in my head?  The walls are bare white hospital room walls, drab and cold.  I have a window, and it looks cold and lonely outside.

virus

virus (Photo credit: twenty_questions)

I pass the time letting my sight flow from the ceiling to the floor as far as I can.  Then I blink. I have to actually think about blinking.  I reset a strange spot of dust to the ceiling and let it fall again, following my eye movement.  So I blink and do it again and again, faster as my mind races and my eyes play a kind of bizarre sort of Ping-Pong with the dust mote.

Suddenly I see UN soldiers running through a labyrinth which surrounds two people.  I can feel them approaching.

I open my eyes, realizing I had fallen asleep.  I watch immobile as the door opens, and the couple from the labyrinth enter.  It’s my parents.  Though it has been less than eight weeks since I last saw them,  they appear deeply shocked by what they see.  Did they see me, The Virus?  No, they don’t know I am The Virus.  They don’t see.

They ask me something, but I can’t understand and cannot answer anyway.   All in all I would prefer they would leave me alone.  Me, The Virus.

Karlsruhe Palace at night

Karlsruhe Palace at night (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A few days later, I am transported to a general hospital in my hometown, Karlsruhe, Germany.   A doctor welcomes me with some French words, I answer him cautiously and politely because I know he is a secret service agent.

After about a week of physical therapy I leave the general hospital in woolly slippers, supported by a nurse.  I don’t know this person is.  I wonder where I am.   I feel 60 years old, pale, skinny, pinched, and bald.  In France, I hadn’t been sleeping well.  I had worn dreadlocks, but shaved my head when I thought the dreadlocks were preventing me from laying my head down comfortably to sleep.

It’s about noon when I arrive at the adolescent psychiatric hospital; I can’t understand why they brought me here.  Don’t they know I am The Virus?   I am AIDS, I am plague and cholera, spreading disease everywhere and they only care about my mind?  What a crazy world!

English: Zyprexa

English: Zyprexa (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I spend the first days in an observation room next to the infirmary office.  The room is small, sparsely decorated.  There is a table, chair and cot.  I am dressed like the other patients (I imagine), nothing but a hospital robe and slippers.  I am mostly alone, except for eating and taking my medicine.  I pass the time mostly lying on the cot, though sometimes I sit at the table or stare out the window.  There is a window in the door and sometimes I can see people walking around.  Sometimes people of about my age look back at me through the window.

They bring me my meals on a tray with a glass of water and a tablet of Zyprexa, a psychotropic drug.  It is supposed to stop your thoughts from circling, but has several adverse effects, as I will soon learn.

The speed of my mind and of my body are becoming slowly the same.  I’m tired.  My eyelids  feel like opening iron gate.  I sleep.  Normally I sleep on my back and rarely on one side, but here I sleep lying on my stomach and am almost unable to lift my body from the mattress.  I need sleep.  I go to bed at eight o’ clock in the evening, I can’t stay up any longer.  I am 16 and I am so tired, I can’t stay up past eight.  It’s the Zyprexa.  At least my thoughts are also too tired to race.  It gives me a respite from the fear of The Virus.

Iron gate at Kezar Stadium  (May 07)

Iron gate at Kezar Stadium (May 07) (Photo credit: ejbSF)

When I awake it feels as if I’ve never slept such a deep and dreamless sleep.  It doesn’t feel as if I have been sleeping long.  This persists for the first month and then my exhaustion eases, but this is one of the side effects of the Zyprexa.  The other is weight gain.  I enter the hospital a skeletal 60 kilo and leave, almost two months later, a chubby 90 kilo.

I spend my days on drawing therapy, in the hospital school.  Mostly I draw simple things: a man on a boat with very little detail.   The therapist likes my drawings, though they are artistically on the level of a kindergartener.  Yet, I when I explain my choice of colours, forms and compositions, and how each relates to the experiences and feelings as I recovered, she seems to like what I say.

I take my meals at a round table in hospital, with the other young people (there are 10 of us) and some nurses.  Eventually I make friends with some of the other patients, and we attend movie and song nights.

Français : ping-pong

Français : ping-pong (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One day when I see the doctor, a kind old man in slippers, he says, “Schizophrenic psychosis.”  My parents were present during the examination.  The doctor was quite nice about it and tried to explain what that meant.  He spoke about the steps in the process.  In the beginning I had no choices, but had to do as I was instructed.  Then as I improved my choices grew.  I could participate in hospital life.  My dad had told the doctor that I liked table tennis and the doctor tells us that they have tables at the hospital and as soon as I was physically well enough, we could play.   Later I could go to the garden or to the hospital shop with my friend.  Eventually I was able to make visits home, then overnight visits.   The visits home would get longer and I would go back to school.  Then I could leave the hospital for good.

I like to talk to some of the other patients but those most recently admitted get on my nerves with their loss of control.  I feel that they are hindering my recuperation.  I want more than anything to get back to normal life.  I will still have to take my drugs for a longer time and will have regular sessions with a cognitive therapist to decrease the risk of getting sick in my mind once again.

Of course, the first time I was back into everyday life was not easy.  School whereas previously was near effortless, now was a struggle.  Before my psychosis I could relax at school, had no trouble studying, and scored among the five best in almost every exam, now I had to work hard to stay in the last ten of the class.  The drugs I had to take slowed down my brain, I took a smaller amount of it now but I could still feel the brake on my thoughts.  I joined the school choir where I mumble in the bass voice which demonstrates quite well how much I was slowed down then (I am now a quite high tenor).

snoozing MIT students

snoozing MIT students (Photo credit: vanberto)

I still feel the joy singing has always given to me and I start to think about taking real singing lessons instead of some funny ten minute-long singing exercises in the choir.  The feeling continues getting stronger.  I feel that a great singer is living in my body and am wondering why nobody else can see or hear him.   After the first time on stage with my first rock band, some of my friends make jokes about me about the two songs I sang.  Finally I find a singing teacher, and start private lessons–not cheap, but he is very kind and motivating.  After our first (trial) lesson, he tells me that he has rarely, if ever heard such a “misconfigured” voice like mine. He promises me that if I keep working hard for a long time, I can improve.  I convince my parents to pay for the singing lesson, telling them that it is really important to me and that it will be good for my personal development.

Shout Louder

Shout Louder (Photo credit: iProzac)

Soon, I take singing lessons once a week. My singing teacher lets me shout out the songs I choose. He tells me I had to get out of my body with my voice.  That when I sang, he did not hear a single tune.  I try to sing even louder and after more than a year, we can finally move to the next big problem, rhythm.

He makes me sing childhood songs, rhythm is appearing, we have to work on my vowels, and being understood, and I feel like I’m making progress.  But this progress is still not perceivable for someone who listens to me for the first time.  My singing is still full of bad notes (at least I don’t mumble them anymore).  I have trouble keeping rhythm  (but at least there is some kind of rhythm).  Now I am just as good as I am bad.

I appreciate my personal perception as well as my progress on my long way to becoming a singer.  More than a year after my stay in the psychiatric hospital, I am finally allowed by the doctor to stop taking Zyprexa.   My energy is coming back, my body is losing its lethargy and I lost almost 20 kilos almost overnight.   I find that my way of being and school are vastly different.  School is disapointing because of its fixed, meaningless and senseless frame of 45 minute school lessons.

I Have to Pee

I Have to Pee (Photo credit: Clintus McGintus)

My singing teacher first talks to me about my change of behavior after I stopped taking the drugs.  He tells me to watch my step; that I was behaving a bit like an ADD patient.    He points out that I talked precociously and should not get carried away.   In the school I sit impatiently on my chair during the lessons, always feeling like having to pee.   While my class mates are snoozing their way to get their high school diploma, I nearly burst as I wait to be finally allowed to talk.

I feel monitored and dominated and smothered by my mother, because she that I would get sick again.  Though she mostly remained quite calm, she tried to “help” me by tidying up my room, etc., without asking if that would be a good activity for me or in general showing me that she doubts very much I know what is good for me.  It is too much for me, and I move out of my parent’s house and move in with a friend.  His mother soon recognizes that I endanger the fragile balance in their familiy by my anxiety and she talks to my father and we meet up together.  They ask me how I think we can solve this situation.  I tell my parents that I want to leave school, that school does not make any sense, that I need to spend my time in a more meaningful way, that I feel like a high school diploma is not as important as everybody says.

Abitur nachholen!

Abitur nachholen! (Photo credit: erix!)

The principal of my school (a very nice woman I have to admit and thank!) tells me that I can stay home for some time and think about what I really want to do. I begin searching for jobs on the internet but I don’t find any that I would like to do. I realize that to go on with my studies, I need this piece meaningless paper: a high school diploma.

I find a teasing advertisement: “Learning materials and organization for your way to a diploma doing homeschool, check it out now for four weeks for free!”   I find the materials appropriate and well laid-out.  I can read through the textbooks quite fast and I can handle the corresponding homework quite successfully.   I am able to go to my part-time job at Fraunhofer after my daily homeschooling session.  (Eventually I teach myself Java programming there and work on a project to simulate security scenarios.)

Wikipe-tan shocked cropped

Wikipe-tan shocked cropped (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My singing teacher is the only person among my friends that is not surprised about my choice to leave school and home school myself.  He can even find some positive aspects of my choice. My (ex-)girlfriend and especially my mother (who is a high school teacher) are shocked. To convince my parents, I pay for the homeschooling with the money I earn working at Fraunhofer.  My parents accept my decision under the condition that I check it out for the four free weeks and then think about it again.

While I homeschool I find it irritating that I have to stay in my room because my father gets angry as soon as I get out of my room and see him.  We discover he is ill with a psychosis a and claims to be stronger than I am.  But he loses his “war of nerves” against my mind and leaves to recover in a psychiatric hospital.  I have made peace with my mother and try to support her while my father is in the hospital.  Things settle down a bit and there is a kind of peaceful co-existence in the family.

song sparrow singing

song sparrow singing (Photo credit: minicooper93402)

I find my first band gigs and succeed in controlling and balancing my energy flow and body resources.  Finally, I have the time to enjoy my universal creativity (which is not universal judged if I looked on my visual “art”) yet I discovered a talent for writing, communication, planning, organizing, singing and maybe some more, but drawing and similar art can not be added to my list of talents.

At the end of the day (not literally), there will be the final high school examinations in Hamburg, but they are quite far away in time, even if I want to get my high school diploma in 18 months instead of 30 months so that I can catch up on my class mates and get my diploma at about the same time they do.

In sum, I feel a lot more grown-up and in good condition (body and mind).  I hit the floor when I get three out of fifteen points at the Maths pre-exam.  Only by the luck of my good French pre-exam achievements that I pass the pre-exam and am allowed to attend to the final exams for my diploma.  For the next two months I work very hard.  I concentrate on old Maths exams, for about 120 hours of studying.  I get twelve out of fifteen points in the final Maths exam–which is good because I want to go on and study Computer Science.

Before the final oral exams, I worry about Physics because my homework was not high scoring, so I find a tutor and get twelve out of fifteen points in the final oral exam and the remark, “Have you ever considered a job related to Physics?” which I take as a compliment.

Carmeneide: guitar love

Carmeneide: guitar love (Photo credit: RedGlow82)

A few days later, I’m the proud owner of a German high school diploma (Abitur) with a GPA of C+ (2,7). I feel well prepared for my studies to become a Computer Scientist.  I have chosen to study and work fifty-fifty for three years (cooperative study program at the DH, Karlsruhe) and found a very cool drugstore chain with great flexibility and understanding of what an employee is and how to treat him—autonomy.

I find my love searching for a girl guitarist.  We spend an exciting whilwind year of our love, our music and my studies.  My singing skills improve and I feel like I am getting better and feel a harmony with my inner vibes.  By recovering from my psychosis, I seem to have become a sort of an expert in the field of psychiatric illnesses and try to support my friends and their friends to find the reasons and solutions for their problems.

Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 5 (Summer 2007-Summer 2010))

Episode 1

Episode 4

Sing the Blues

Sing the Blues (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

My singing teacher is the only person among my friends that is only surprised about my choice of leaving school for homeschool. He can even find some positive aspects of my choice. My (ex-)girlfriend and especially my mother (who is a German highschool teacher) are shocked. To convince my parents, I want to pay the homeschooling fee with the money I earn working at the Fraunhofer. I teach myself java programming there and work on a project to simulate security scenarios.

My parents accept my decision under the condition that I check it out for the free four weeks and then think about it again. My father gets ill with a psychosis a bit later and claims to be stronger than I am.  But he loses his “war of nerves” against my mind and leaves the battlefield to recover in a psychatric hospital.

Rock Band

Rock Band (Photo credit: spakulsk)

After this time of trouble, there is a kind of peaceful co-existence in the family, I have made peace with my mother and try to support her while my father is in the psychatric hospital. I find my first band projects and succeed to control and balance my energy flow and body ressources.

In sum, I feel a lot more grown-up and in good condition (body and mind). I hit the hard floor of reality when I get three out of fifteen points at the Maths pre-exam. I only can thank to my good French pre-exam achievements that I pass the pre-exam and am allowed to attend to the final exams for my diploma. I work very hard for the next two monts, I study old Maths exams, in sum about 120 hours of studying. I get twelve out of fifteen points in the final Maths exam which is helpful for my wish of studying Computer Science.

Before the final oral exams, I worry about Physics because I’ve never done my homework in a good quality. I take lessons at a nice and competent student and get twelve out of fifteen points in the final oral exam and a remark “Have you ever worked in a job related to Physics?” which I take as a compliment.

Mathematics homework

Mathematics homework (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A few days later, I’m the proud owner of a German highschool diploma (Abitur) with a GPA of C+ (2,7). I feel well prepared for my studies to become a Computer Scientist. I have chosen to study and work fifty-fity for three years (cooperative study program at the DH, Karlsruhe) and found a very cool drugstore chain with a great working and employee philosophy for the working phases.

I find my love seaching for a musician by a girl who plays the guitar. We spend an exciting first year of our love, our music and my studies. My singing skills improve and I feel like getting more and more the best of myself feeling a harmony with my inner vibes. By recovering from my psychosis, I seem to have become a sort of an expert in the field of psychic illnesses and try to support my friends and their friends to find the reasons and solutions for their problems.

Episode 6

Now I have this blog and you can contact me in the comment section or just ask me for my email adress there and I will send you an email so that we can talk about everything you want to.

I wish you only the best, may peace surround you and happiness rule your mind.

Yours sincerely,

Chris

Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 1 (Spring 2006))

English: Taraxacum officinale, Asteraceae, Com...

Common Dandelion, infrutescence. Karlsruhe, Germany. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the beginning, everything was fine. At least I thought so. Until I woke up in a hospital in France, being on a drip-feed, having a catheter between my legs, paralysed. My thoughts moving all the faster, even faster, dashing, circulating at hyper-speed around one thought: It’s me, the virus.

Hospital

Hospital (Photo credit: José Goulão)

Passing my time letting my sight flow from the ceiling to the floor by simply moving my eyeballs, blink, repeating it, some kind of streak in my sight is following my eyeball movement, I am playing a kind of bizarre ping-pong with the streak. Seeing UN soldiers running through a labyrinth, surrounding two persons, feeling like they are approaching. I have taken a nap, the door opens, the two persons enter.

College of Medicine & JNM Hospital

College of Medicine & JNM Hospital (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My parents, deeply shocked by my look, they are asking me something, I don’t understand them, would not be able to answer anyway, beside this I would prefer they let me alone here. Me, the virus. A few days later, I am transported into a German hospital by an ambulance service. Back in my hometown, Karlsruhe, Germany. Another week later, I am able to move slowly again, going to ergotherapy, leave the hospital in woolly slippers, supported by a nurse. I am feeling like being at least 60 years old, pinched, almost no hair, pale skin, no smile, who is that person, where am I?

Immer mehr Kinder nehmen Psychopharmaka

More and more children are taking psychotropic drugs (Photo credit: TK_Presse)

Then I arrive at the adolescent psychatrie, me, the virus, what am I doing here? Some psychotropic drugs for me, I am sick of AIDS, I am plague and cholera, spreading the disease everywhere and they only care about my mind? What a crazy world!

Episode 2

Ten Thoughts That Changed My Life

Howdy folks,

Mind creates life

Mind creates life (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

today I want to introduce to you ten thoughts that changed my life as you voted me to do so in the last customer service poll. I used the blockquote formatting to mark my thoughts, might see it as a citation of my mind.

(1) It’s a small world full of great opportunities and great people.

This thought came in my mind once again this morning when I asked a young man at the Karlsruhe Main Station for a pen to write the notes for this blog entry. We began to talk and realized that we are both studying at the Duale Hochschule at Karlsruhe, both studying Applied Computer Science. The only difference was that he started his studies in 2012 and I started in 2010, so he will hopefully enjoy the Software Engineering course I designed starting in October 2013 and I will have finished my studies and be employed by this time. Thank you very much for giving me a pen, Michael K!

(2) There are entity theorists and incremental theorists, also called fixed mind-set and growth mind-set people.

I believe that there are also inconsistent people. These people believe that they can improve in one area and keep at the same level for all their life in another area believing that they are not able to change this. I think that being an incremental theorist/growth mind-set people is essential for being able to head for meaningful activities. Which will make you happier, you know. I believe I can grow!

(3) If something is made for me, I will feel and find it someday.

Door light

Door light (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

I think that there are always opportunities that show you that you should decide to go somewhere and that you can always decide to live against what you are meant to but will feel when you listen to the hints of life and do what you are meant to. I just start to feel the flow then. Why someday? Because the good things sometimes take longer. I am taking singing lessons for almost five years now but only within the last two months, my progress have begun to scratch the surface of audibility.

(4a) If I do not take the responsibility for my life, nobody else does.

Does that sound daunting? It’s a great opportunity as you will see in the next thought…

(4b) Only if I take the responsibility for my own life and my personal development, I can become the best version of myself.

And that is what I aim for as I am looking for making my life a meaningful activity.

(5) We live in a wonderful world. How can I help and what can I do to maintain and even improve this world?

What do you think? What do you do?

(6a) I have to feel my body but be present and focussed on the outside.

Singer.

Singer (That’s not me, will post about my band when we are ready :)). (Photo credit: flo and me)

This is very important to have the right source of energy (the body) and be able to use this energy letting it flow to a target outside. As a singer, groove and audience help me to do so.

(6b) In my mind I have to be precise but my body will only be able to translate this precise imagination if it is not cramped.

So I have to differ between precise thoughts I make in my mind and precise actions that result from the precise imagination in my mind (call it a template for action) and are improved by regular, mindful reproductions of the mind template (known as training).

(7) Freedom does not mean you do what you want to. Freedom means that you do what you want to as long as it does not limit the freedom of other people.

E.g. you could turn up your music as loud as you want to but as you would thereby limit your neighbour’s freedom to have a nap or simply relax, you should not do so. To say it with Eleanor Roosevelt‘s wise words: “With freedom comes responsibility.”

(8) There is bad work, good work, do your own thing and meaningful activities.

Social integration and meaning plus following personal aims leads to a meaningful activity

Social integration and meaning plus following personal aims leads to a meaningful activity

I already wrote about this one. If you did not follow one of the two meaningful activity links above, you can read about it here.

(9) There is the instruction paradigm and the learning paradigm.

Regretfully, you can not only find it in college but almost everywhere in life. I wrote about my thoughts on the great book of John Tagg here.

(10a) I do not need to rely on existing enterprises to satisfy my needs. I could start my own business.

social media

social media (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

I often have ideas how to improve existing business models or how I imagine a great business/store of a certain kind. The last thing that came into my mind was my favorite future fashion store with no sale and no cloth hangers. As I am always looking for great opportunities and great people, I am sure that I will be able to realize the concepts one day.

(10b) We are all social beings.

So enjoy your friends, go for social interaction, use the amazing technical possibilities of our days. Join and communicate, meet people and make a difference, for you and for others. Remember, it’s a small world full of great opportunities and great people!

Goes without saying that I am looking forward to getting to know you and reading and answering your comments!

How I imagine my favorite future fashion store

Howdy folks,

Yesterday I went shopping in Frankfurt (could also have been Berlin, Stuttgart or Karlsruhe with little to no difference). As I felt more and more frustrated about the fashion and the ambience in the stores, I began to think about my favorite future fashion store.

English: MyZeil Frankfurt

English: MyZeil Frankfurt (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

First of all, I thought about offering “Instant print”. This means that you can take a basic article of clothing in the store and customize it with a large set of options like writing something, uploading an image from your smartphone, etc., the customized article of clothing is then printed instantly for you. Maybe we could even offer “Fashion on demand” which means that you can create your own basic article of clothing and have it crafted instantly. You would be offered to get your body measures scanned to get the perfect fit. You can choose to take part in the weekly “Designer of the week” voting with your crafted article of clothing.

Trouser suicide

Trouser suicide (Photo credit: edmittance)

Then I felt frustrated about a pile of clothes with a sign “trousers from 9€ to 19€” I took the first trouser from and found that I was looking at a 99€ trouser. I want an instore search on style, prize and size for my favorite future fashion store! It also offers the option to show you articles that fit to your current clothing (the one you are wearing) and, if you activated your wardrobe profile listing all the articles you have already bought, a “fits to my wardrobe” option.

Clothes are tagged so that you can easiliy find the size and colour you are looking for by using the instore navigation.

Basic fashion is really affordable (you could even say “keen”) and you pay extra if you want more than level 1 customization (printing one text on your article of clothing).

A café and a bar are integrated in the store providing a chillout area for social interaction and relaxing.

Headphones

Headphones (Photo credit: James F Clay)

You can listen to instore music via the headphones of your smartphone and choose one of the music channels offered by the store app. For not spoiling your download limit, there is a free hotspot in the store.

There is one section of the store (“Gimme that stuff”-are) you can go with your smartphone, choose some articles of clothing using the store app and the clothes will be delivered to your current location in the “Gimme that stuff”-area, e.g. via automatic segway-like vehicles. If you don’t like it, there is a container you can drop it and it will get back to the warehouse.

Deutsch: Kleiderbügel. Deutsch: Clothes hangers.

Clothes hangers. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the whole store, there is no single clothes hanger. I hate clothes hangers! They are always crowded up so that you hardly find the size you are looking for and then struggle hard to get it out of the hanger crowd. I rather think of a display dummy for every clothing and slots where the displayed article of clothing is lieing, every slot marked with a different size or color. Articles are tagged with RFID so if you try to put it in the wrong slot both in store (via a little speaker next to you) and on your headphones, there will be a remark that you please just drop the article in the “Won’t buy it” bin next to you.

Sale

Sale (Photo credit: Gerard Stolk (vers l’Assomption))

In the whole store, there will be no sale! I hate the overusage of sale, I’ve been to a store yesterday where a sale sign stood on every presentation table. But prizes were high nonetheless… There will be special deals for fans and if you join the fashion family, you will receive a 10% discount. There is also an innovation discount for fans and family members that really helped the family with their feedback and ideas. This innovation discount is limited to the products you helped to improve and ranges from 20% for one product per improvement to 5% on all products per improvement (if you had an innovation for the whole store).

Fashion:District The Show

Fashion:District The Show (Photo credit: TPWP)

The staff in my favorite future fashion store is always unobtrusive and will never start to talk with you if you are just looking for the latest fashion. You can call a member of the staff with the store app or can chat with a staff member via the store app.

So far the thoughts in my mind, looking forward to hearing about your thoughts now!

Maybe some questions to start:

P question

Questions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • How would you feel in my favorite future fashion store?
  • What would you like to have in your favorite future fashion store?
  • What is annoying you when you go shopping?