In our forest

Why should I destroy what is growing under your feet?
Why should I cut the things around you,
fill the ground around you with concrete?
Build a fence around you and isolate you
so that you only grow by me?

We are trees in the forest,
our roots touch each other.
We live by the same soil.
Breathe the same air,
drink the rain together.

On your own you will die if I don’t water you.
With me, you will only grow by my light and water.
I love the passion for life.
I love the power, the surprise, the storm.
Who should light up the fire that I did not see coming?
Who but you, ignited by someone else?
Breathing the oxygen the sky gives to you.

Fly free like a bird in the sky, my heaven.
Dive to the sea bed and taste the sea.
Sing and dance, laugh and jump, cry and shout.
However you need it.
I am with you.
I am with you wherever you are.
I am with you whatever you do.
Fly my bird, fly.
Breathe life.

In our forest, there is space for everybody
For everybody who lives, who loves, who is.
I want to multiply peace, the sign of love, by ten,
giving the power of humanity to the earth,
forever.
Be my peace, my love,
I be your power and you be my earth,
I be your love and you be my life,
my eternity, my present, at the moment.

In times of silence, I can feel you.
I am often too loud, often too fast
Am the bow tensed with an arrow and fly with the arrow.
When I am with you, I am with me, my homeland, my harbour.

Blow all the borders with your roots growing.
Hold your treetop upwind and downwind, no matter the storm.
Give love and soil to grow at your roots.
Fly my bird, fly,
Breathe life, my heaven.
Let us multiply peace, the sign of love, by ten
and let us give the power of humanity to the earth,
forever.
When I am with you, I am with me, my homeland, my harbour.
My heart, my soul.
We will find each other again and again,
no matter which space,
no matter what time.

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Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 6 (Summer 2010 – Summer 2014))

Episode 5

herbstAfter spending a very young summer (after all she is 4 years younger than me) with a lot of self-made music, little love adventures and a lot of relaxing in the Castle garden of Karlsruhe, my cooperative studies begin. I enjoy working and discovering the freedom I’ve got in my company. There is a monthly meeting which everybody can join and I am told that after every project presentation everybody can ask every question. So once attending to this meeting for the first time (after working a few days in this company), I ask 4 questions after 4 presentations (100% score, yay!) and get my first standing at the company. Some might be embarassed for the rest of their lifetime now but that’s not my way.

After Christmas, I change to my studying phase and work hard because I have a certain fear of not making it. I make it, even too good so that I decide to relax during the second year of studies. But one step after another…

Do you understand that I want to get back to this physical state? :)

Could I become a jacket model? 🙂

By the beginning of 2011, I have helped my girlfriend to become a lot better at school and lifted her up so that she does not hurt herself anymore or only at very rare occassions. I feel happy and we enjoy our time together travelling, making music and discovering/rediscovering the teenage way towards becoming an adult. It hits me like thunder once I learn that my girlfriend is suffering from some kind of bulimic anorexia. She has talked to my brother who decides that he can’t take the responsibility to keep that secret and talks to me. Three days later, she talks to me and tells me what happened to her.

Now I can handle it, another potential developing project, we can make it baby, here we go! I take her to a doctor, we talk to her mother, we try a lot of things and sometimes she feels better and sometimes she feels worse. Work is becoming a little less important even if I am struggling with the teams during my second year’s working phases. I guess I can thank to the music and my inner knowledge of my potential and unconscious feeling of my energy that I don’t start getting another psychic illness…

It’s by that time, in the end of 2011/beginning of 2012 that I begin to develop a little emotional distance from my girlfriend. I guess it’s a little self-protection wall against her sometimes very hard verbal aggressions. After all, she is sick and not herself or in control of herself all of the time anymore so I don’t blame her for that but take the necessary steps to protect myself. Though this beginning of losing my love for her, I still believe we can make it and move into a flat with her in autumn 2012. I accept a 90 minutes door-to-door one-way way to work everyday to be able to live with her despite the fact we work in different cities. In the beginning, it’s worth the pain. She gets a lot better once having left her parents (where she lacked the attention she needed or wanted to get). At least for sometime…

Through the green gate

Through the green gate

After about three months, I realize a change in her behaviour, now highly sensitive for this kind of behaviour. She is starting to overreact, to refuse being touched, to worry about eating, trying hard to destroy her life once again. I support her trying lots of things even though she has made my daily way-to-work-pain a ridiculous sacrifice by quitting her job and staying at home looking for another job closer to the city I work in. But my emotional self-protection wall begins to grow, I kind of put my heart into the freezer and we live together in the most independent way possible in a 3-room flat.

Ah yeah, I almost forgot, my final study year has already begun and I am working hard to prove my company I am the one to hire after my studies. I am writing a good project paper after a well-appreciated project in my company and discover my interest for education writing two research papers at the cooperative state university.
After some time of hard work and uncertainty, I finally get my working contract and can fully concentrate on writing a great bachelor thesis. Looking at my final grade, I haven’t done that bad…

2013-09-25 14.31.00In Autumn 2013, I leave for Kazan, Russia, to present a paper developed out of my research papers about education. I discover in this foreign country how easy communication with a girl can be even if you only share about 5 words in one language (she only speaks Russian and very very few words of english but luckily she is that smart she brings her tablet with google translator with her the second day). Nothing more happens but once back in Germany, I decide to accept my emotional wall and leave my girlfriend – may she do whatever she wants to her life as cruel as it may sound. I break up (I am so bad at it) and she falls in love again with another guy after a week or something.

I move to my parents’ again and enjoy life at Hotel Mummy again. Not for a long time, I lose my platin card guest status quite quickly and begin to mow the lane, clean the road and do some housework again quite soon. But I am not alone if I need someone to talk and I am independent enough in my room if I need some time for my own.
I begin working at the company where I studied after my longer holidays and enjoy it quite much. Towards christmas I am concentrating on a little love story with a chinese girl living in Cologne (in short it was like a rocket – took me almost to the stars in a sudden but somehow I dropped back to earth in a sudden like a waste part of a multistage rocket). This story already finishes shortly after the beginning of 2014 and I concentrate on work again.

2013-10-11 10.45.46I realize that now I am done, I’ve reached my last goals – getting my bachelor degree and getting hired. What am I supposed to do now? Should I keep working until my retirement? What do I do during my spare time? Why does work feel so bad and unfitting sometimes? Am I doing the right thing?

30 days of proacitivity diary - read me in the morning - tell me in the evening

30 days of proacitivity diary – read me in the morning – tell me in the evening

Let’s say I begin to think about my life again after three years filled with studies and girlfriend struggle. I discover the great book “The seven habits of highly effective people” by Stephen Covey and begin taking control of my life again. I do better at work, enjoy my life more and more and feel quite good. I am spending very great summer holidays, one week of hiking with my parents (Austria) and two weeks of language-learning/practising and partying/excessive dancing (Salamanca, Spain). I discover how much I like to get to know to new people once again and organise some parties and connect people to each other. Back in Germany, some may have a hard time getting used to my new self-confidence but yeah, we are working on that.

So lots of things are happening/I make lots of things happen and I want to leave you here for getting my shower to get ready for another exciting day.

Thanks for reading and feel free to ask for more detail whereever I have gone to fast.

Cheers,
Chris

I Am Back – Am I Back?

Hello world,

how have you been?

Just came back here somehow feeling like doing so. Well, what’s new on my side of life?Image

  • I fell in love and I broke up – it was a short but intense time
  • I started studying to become a master degree and stopped studying – it was a short but not wasted time
  • I started to take some dancing lessons and I still enjoy it – it is a weekly delight often clearing my head full of thoughts
  • I am still singing and might perform for the first time since a very long time on stage soon
  • I read a lot of books and discovered a little interest for art and architecture, suggestions welcome on these issues!
  • I might have learned a lot about myself – want to share some thoughts with you right now…
  1. Asking the right questions
    If I don’t know enough about the things I am working on, I tend to try to puzzle things out myself. After some time without finding any working solution, I get frustrated and feel blocked. The way to get back on track: Asking the right questions – or at least asking a team mate for help. Only this way I can improve my knowledge and feel more confident about the work I do. Which leads me to…
  2. Finding the right attitude
    Some days, I tend to shut up and listen and listen and listen and wait, you get it but I didn’t understand the last thing you said but I just keep listening and lose track and you keep talking… This is not the right attitude, I can’t keep staying that passive because I risk to miss a lot of learning opportunities this way. So even if I’m feeling tired or in a bad mood, I need to ask questions if I don’t understand something someone is telling me and not let a monologue happen. I need to keep learning to…
  3. Keep on moving
    I’m 23 years old, been working for seven months now after finishing my studies and I still feel that I’m quite at the beginning of my working career and journey of life. I am getting a clue where I could head for but am still unsure how to get there. But step by step, I keep on moving. Facing challenges instead of suffering from problems – that’s the attitude, dude!

So much from my side of life for now, now it’s up to you:

  • What are the challenges you are currently facing?
  • What’s on your mind?
  • Which is the direction you’re heading for?

Wishing all of you a great time.

Chris

 

My answers to the key questions for transforming work into a meaningful activity that makes you happy

Howdy folks,

today I decided to answer the key questions asked to everyone of you to answer for yourself in my blog entry about how to transform work into a meaningful activity that makes you happy while doing it.

So here we go:

Man thinking on a train journey.

Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What are my personal aims?

  • being able to perform frequently as a singer with a band
  • writing songs for your soul
  • supporting my loved ones as well as my friends
  • changing the world for the better, beginning with me
  • working on my personal projects, e.g. my favorite future fashion store
  • Owning and running a farm with my love
  • Staying abroad every three years for six months, at least three times in my life
  • Having children one day
  • Succeeding at and enjoying work
Sing

Sing (Photo credit: Kathleen Tyler Conklin)

What are things that I like to do?

  • singing
  • communicating
  • thinking
  • having visions and breaking them down to reality
  • supporting/mentoring people
  • writing lyrics
  • exercising with my band
  • having singing lessons with my great singing teacher
  • sparetime activities with my love and/or friends
  • blogging (both communicating and writing)
  • analyzing and solving problems
Houseworks

Houseworks (Photo credit: the Italian voice)

What are things that I don’t like to do?

  • most of the housework so I try to automate it wherever it is possible
  • repetive tasks (except for exercising)
  • eating bad because alternatives are harder to reach or even worse
  • working in a known to be suboptimal way and continuing to work that way
My blog's logo

My blog’s logo

What am I good at?

  • singing
  • writing
  • communicating
  • analyzing problems
  • solving problems
  • supporting people
  • running my blog (I am still learning but never thought I could met that much wonderful people out here)

What am I bad at and do I want to change something about it?

  • housework (I am slow and I don’t like to do it so I want to automate it, my birthday wish is a dishwasher)
  • drawing (it is enough for sketches to explain something to somebody, so I might not change it for some time)
  • recognizing vip faces on TV (it is actually fun, so I can live with it)
  • staying serious (sometimes I overdo it with comedy, working on this one)
  • working because I have to (I want to reduce the “have to” work to a minimum, so I will stay with my “I don’t like it, I only do it for the deadline or for not having to worry about it anymore” attitude)
  • if you recognize anything I could be bad at, please let me know so I can decide if I want to change it. Thanks!
A Great Meal

A Great Meal (Photo credit: donut2D)

When do I feel happy?

  • when I sing
  • when I support/mentor someone
  • when I work on something that means much to me, e.g. on my own projects
  • when I communicate with people I like
  • when I get great feedback and feel connected to someone
  • when things are doing great with my love
  • when I solved a problem
  • when I eat something tasty (even better if it is healthy, too)
Love ? I love love love you.

Love ? I love love love you. (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

What is it then that makes me feel happy?

  • for singing it is the harmony of my body, the rhythm and my words reaching out for the audience which gives me a feeling of control and power and meaningfulness
  • for supporting/mentoring someone, it is the feeling that I make a difference and make a life better/show someone how to change his/her life for the better and support him/her doing so
  • for working on something that means much to me, it is the feeling that I am pursuing my dreams and that I could make a difference
  • for communicating, it is the learning, the thinking, the supporting and the emotions and relations which change and mostly improve dynamically and make it exciting and meaningful
  • for getting great feedback, it is recognition and the connection even reinforces this recognition and gets me into support/mentor mode
  • for my love, it is the love and the mutually pursuing of our dreams
  • for having solved a problem, it is the feeling of making a difference and of “fiero
  • for eating well it is the feeling that I have done something I have to in the most enjoyable way
Yoda

Yoda (Photo credit: davidyuweb)

Is there any chance to trigger the reason for that happiness more often (e.g. by changing your workplace, join your working place community (or found it) or invest more time in a particular spare time activity)?

  • I want to change my working position to a kind of mentor/problem manager and teambuilder for at least 20% of my work time by October 2013 (I then have finished my studies and begin to “really” work (before there were only the working phases of my cooperative studies).
  • I want to continually manage my available time to be able to sing, to communicate/to blog, to meet with friends, to work on my projects and to spend great time with my wonderful love.
  • I want to continually analyze when I feel unhappy or unsatisfied and try to change these situations.

When do I wish to change something and why do I think this change is impossible instead of trying to go for the change?

  • I never think of change as impossible, I divide it only into “change now, required ressources and opportunities as well as the importance for change do exist” and “change later if it is still necessary then”.

When do I blame others and could I not do something about solving the problem myself if it is that important to me?

  • Whenever I catch myself blaming others, I think about this question and whenever I catch someone blaming others, I ask him/her this question (normally in a more subtle way so that I lead him/her to the answer without having asked this question).

That’s it for now, hope you enjoyed reading and want to answer these questions for yourself now. I will definitely answer them again in something like a half year to see what has changed/if something has changed.

Have a great day & may peace surround you,

Chris

Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 4 (Summer 2007))

Episode 1

Episode 3

40+290 Notch

40+290 Notch (Photo credit: bark)

I appreciate my personal perception as well as my progress on my long way to becoming a singer. More than a year after my stay in the psychatric hospital, I am finally allowed by the doctor to stop taking Zyprexa (my psychotronic drugs). My energy is coming back, my body is losing its lethargy and I lose almost 20 kilos of weight “in one night”. I find my way of being and school is becoming painful because of its fixed, meaningless and senseless frame of 45 minutes school lessons.

School.

School. (Photo credit: zoovroo)

My singing teacher first talks to me about my change of behaviour. He tells me to watch my step, that I was behaving a bit like an ADS patient, I talked precociously and should not get carried away. In the school lessons I sit impatiently on my chair, always feeling like having to pee. While my class mates are snoozing their way to get the German highschool diploma, I wait to be finally allowed to talk.

I feel monitored and dominated by my mother (I now know that she only feared that I would get sick again and thought she could help me tidying up my room, etc. but at that moment, it felt like monitoring and domination). I move out to move in at a friend’s. His mother recognizes that I endanger the fragile balance in their familiy by my anxiety. She talks to my father and we meet up together. They ask me how I imagine to solve this situation. I tell them that I want to leave school, that school does not make any sense, that I want to spend my time in a more meaningful way, that I feel like the German highschool diploma is not that important as everybody says.

September-at-Homeschool.

September-at-Homeschool. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The principal of my school (a very nice woman I have to admit and thank to!) tells me that I can stay home for some time and think about what I really want to do. I begin searching for jobs on the internet but I don’t find any formation that I would like to do. I realize that for being able to study, one needs this piece of sh*t of the German highschool diploma.

I find a teasing advertisement: “Learning materials and organization for your way to the German highschool diploma doing homeschool, check it out now for four weeks for free!”. The learning material looks well, I can read through the textbooks quite fast and I can solve the corresponding home work to hand-in being quite successful. I am able to go to my mini job at the Fraunhofer after homeschooling my daily dose.  Finally, I have the time to enjoy my universal creativity (which is not universal judged by today if I looked on my visual “art”, got talents for writing, communication, planning, organizing, singing and maybe some more but drawing and stuff like that does not belong to my talents).

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At the end of the day (not literally), there will be the final highschool examinations in Hamburg, but they are quite far away in time, even if I want to get my highschool diploma in 18 months instead of 30 months so that I can catch up on my class mates and get my diploma at about the same time like they do.

Episode 5

Circles of fear – a very personal story (Episode 3 (Summer 2006-Summer 2007))

Episode 1

Episode 2

Deutsch: Süntelbuche am Freizeitheim „Haus Sün...

Deutsch: Süntelbuche am Freizeitheim „Haus Süntelbuche“ in Bad Münder am Deister (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Of course, the first time I was back into everyday’s life was not easy. School felt like struggle, before my psychosis I used to relax at school and scored among the five best in almost every exam, now I had to work hard to stay in the last ten of the class. The psychotronic drugs slowed down my brain, I took a smaller amount of it now but I could still feel the brake on my thoughts. Attending to the school choir, I mumble in the bass voice which demonstrates quite well how much I was slowed down then (I am now a quite high tenor). But I still feel the joy singing gives to me and the wish for getting real singing lessons instead of some funny ten minute-long singing exercises in the choir is getting stronger.

Ready or not

Ready or not (Photo credit: Gullig)

I feel that a great singer is living in my body and am wondering why nobody else can see or hear him. After the first time on stage with my first rock band, some of my friends make jokes about me singing two songs. Finally I find a singing teacher, private lessons, not that cheap but very kind and motivating.

Largemouth Bass: Twin Spring

Largemouth Bass: Twin Spring (Photo credit: Phil’s 1stPix)

After our first (trial) lesson, he tells me that he has rarely or even never listened to such a “misconfigured” voice like mine. He promisses me that if I keep working hard for a longer time, I can improve really much. I convince my parents to pay the singing lessons for me, telling them that it is really important to me and that it will be good for my personal development for sure.

Soon, I take singing lessons once a week. My singing teacher lets me shout songs I can choose, he tells me that I had to get out of my body with my voice, that he did not hear a single tune I tried to sing. I try to shout even louder and after more than a year, we can finally move to the next big problem, the rhythm.

Meine Sonnenblume

Meine Sonnenblume (Photo credit: Travelswiss1)

He makes me sing childhood songs, rhythm is appearing, we have to work on my vocals (“a”, “e”, “i”, “o”, “u”), I’m feeling the progress.  But this progress is still not perceivable for someone who listens to me for the first time, my singing is still full of dirty tunes (at least I sing most of the tunes instead of mumbling them), rhythm variations (but at least there is some kind of rhythm) and other stuff that is far far away from being perfect and almost that far away from being almost ok.

Episode 4